No new friends. That’s my life. Looking for: girls who don’t make me want to walk through oncoming traffic. Or just about any gay guy. 

DJ Khaled Feat Drake Rick Ross Lil Wayne – No New Friends – Clean (Extendz) from DJ Diztracted on Vimeo.

Chances are, if you’re living in New York, you’ve left some people scattered around the globe, your home state or that thick hick town you grew up in. Now, you’re in need of some New York Friends.

That’s exactly what I did and it’s left me with nothing but acquaintances. My husband was forced to become my BFF and I don’t think he can handle another conversation about PMS and cats, but now I’ve realized I’m finally going to stick someplace. New York has become my home and that means it’s time for me to meet some people that I don’t want to slap.

Now, finding your one-true “person” is kind of like dating in this city… There are a whole lot of clingers and awkward silences to get through before you find the one. I don’t have that kind of patience. So, I’ve put together a little something to cut through the crazies. If someone comes to mind, send them my way. — Whitney Brodribb

Qualifications:

1. You must be a female or gay male. I’m a married woman so straight guys need not apply; just makes shit weird.

High-five

2. You must live somewhere I can access you easily. I live in Bushwick and plan to stay here until some cholo kills me off, so it would be great if you could live somewhere between here and Williamsburg. If you live in a shitty neighborhood and I’m more likely to get stabbed with a screwdriver on my way to see you; then you best be worth it.

subway-shk

3. You must know who Stevie Nicks and John Fogerty are and why they’re on the list. Beliebers, Mahomies… There’s the door.

stevie-nicks

4. You are not offended easily. My mouth has turrets and I’m okay with that. Fucker.

steve-carrell

5.  You cannot be in AA (but good for you if you are; keep fighting the good fight)! Wine is always a possibility.

wine-courtney-cox

6. You are a meat-eater. No vegans, vegetarians or any other version of… That.

meat-eaters

7. You don’t plan on moving to another city, state or country for the foreseeable future. Because I’d find you.

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Compensation:

Wine, whiskey, witty satire and exceptional advice.

A little About Me:

`Minnesotan (so I’m somewhat nice), blonde (and proud of it), smart (I went to college and stuff), I have a job (so someone else thinks I’m normal), I live in Bushwick (so you can’t be a pussy).

Send applications here.

[featured image via projeqt.com], other images sourced via Tumblr. If any of these images belong to you, please let us know because you’re awesome, and we’d like to provide proper credits/remove image(s) upon request.]

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