An A-G (+1) series of reasons why lists (posing as articles) starting with numbers are wasting everyones time and insulting your intelligence. *breathe

written by CORY MULRONEY

cute goat

 Look at this fucking goat. LOOK AT IT!

A. Unlike traditional journalism stories these so called “Listicles” can be knocked up in minutes. They require very little effort; the research process involves a considerable amount of time wasting and people make actual money producing them on a regular basis.

B. They simplify something into a series of GIFS, which are awesome at first. But they eventually get old and get overplayed and then we hate them and everything they stand for. #RIPKINGSOFLEON #RIPGANGNAMSTYLE #RIPAMERICANPRESIDENTIALELECTIONS

C. They give you a finite number of reasons. Who or what administrative body or numerical arbiter chooses this number? Why do I only get to look at 10 things that I miss from the ’90s instead of 15? Or 20? I want answers damn you!

D. They remind you of an awesome time period or reignite the emotional feelings attached to something nostalgic, only to leave you depressed in the knowledge that the world is now a very different place and that special time has passed forever. *tear

E.T. They’re popular because they know that the attention spans of our A.D.D. generation can be carefully and scientifically nourished for a brief, exciting and addicting moment. They hypnotize us with flashing images, witty remarks and photos of Nicholas Cage’s head in unnatural circumstances.

Nic cage et

Face off

F. They’re clogging up your newsfeed on Facebook, the social net-stalking tool that should only be used for poking people, posting controversial news stories, pointless opinion pieces *cough, drunken photos of your mates and not remembering friends’ birthdays.

[At this point you’re attention span is waning…]

G. They lure you in with images of baby goats and insult your intelligence without you realizing. Years of your university education, intended to build you into a pursuer of the creative arts, scholarly literature and scientific journals have been wasted. Now you’re stuck in a crowded office laughing alone at Ryan Gosling not eating his cereal.

ryan gosling cereal

“If you’re a bird…I’m a bird…”

AND FINALLY

THE LETTER H REASON

THE VERY LAST ONE ON OUR LIST

THE SINGLE GREATEST ONE OF ALL!!!

GET READY TO HEAR WHAT WE’VE GOT FOR YOU!!!

H. They build you up, get you excited and then leave you hanging, awash with feelings of self-loathing and the realization that you’ll never get those two minutes of your life back. Meanwhile Ryan Gosling, Nicholas Cage and the Goat are all out there somewhere living the dream, munching away on grass and producing cheese.

Bastards.

Now stop wasting time reading this list about why lists are the worst and…

benson get back to work cartoon

 

[images sourced via miaminewtimes + fanpop. If any of these images belong to you, please let us know because you’re awesome, and we’d like to provide proper credits/remove image(s)]upon request.]

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