A lesson in Snapchat etiquette, inspired by the lame selfie you just snapped me.

I’m about to check my Snapchat for the first time in about a week. I don’t have push notifications enabled for this popular application and no, I haven’t upgraded to the newest version. I prefer to accumulate a collection of outdated snaps before viewing at a later time when I feel like draining a few precious minutes. This is because I’m content with text messaging, I don’t care that much about “disappearing” texts, video calls or selfies, and because I do care about privacy. Also worth mentioning: I’m not a teenager.

keep calm and snapchat me

Or not.

Clearly I’m missing something a large percentage of the population is not; Snapchat recently topped WhatsApp as the biggest U.S. messaging app by volume. Before I come across as a whiny, antisocial [media] critic, I’d like to clarify that I don’t necessarily dislike Snapchat, I just dislike the majority of the content it delivers to my antiquated, painfully slow iPhone 4. Yet I continue to waste precious battery life occasionally checking my Snapchats. Why? Because not all Snapchats are alike.

For every 8-10 dumb snaps I load, open and immediately forget, an all-redeeming snap of pure gold will appear from one of my Snapchatting friends who respects the line between basic (boring) and funny (worth sending). Of course that line is highly subjective, which brings this sass session to today’s Snapchat lesson: know your audience. Beer-chugging bro snap, meet the Snapchat of another beer-chugging bro. Basic bitch selfie, please target another basic bitch who will return your snap with her own self portrait. ‘Chella goer in a crop top, stop saying ‘chella (and hold your snaps, please). Sender of video featuring people I don’t know doing random things somewhere I don’t know, why did you send this to me? Is there a hidden message? Snapchat sexter, read this.

You’re probably going to hit send on that work selfie (because you’re bored but your hair looks nice) whether I tell you I like it or not. At the very least, I urge to exercise a little discretion when selecting friends for the receiving end of your forgettable, futile Snapchat content. Unless you spot my mom being my mom going about her mom things, an old man shamelessly eating a wheel of brie on the L or the guy pictured below, I probably don’t need to see it. I guess that’s all I really wanted to say about that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check my Snapchat.

miley cyrus best snapchat ever


Images* via Techcrunch.com and Memeguy.com.

*I saw a lot of boobs in the process of locating them.