Change.

I like to change liquor stores frequently. The guys at the register get to know your habits and they think that pink-ish colored wine is immature.

I like the change of lonliness turned into company. What happens after the word I’m sorry. Changing my shoes according to my outfit. The golden hour when the sun changes the way it peeks from the clouds, and the perfect amount of light lines the trees. The chord change that sends a weird feeling up your body and makes you remember your childhood, when things were simpler, back and forth on a tire swing, when the air smelled like autumn and you trusted everyone.

But moving, switching my email, someone leaving or walking in and out of my life, all of the things I’ve turned into in my adult life that I don’t like. Not writing as much. Not finding the beauty in things like I used to. Death, just the thought of it.

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Families change. People are born and our roles are switched. We grow into different people, we are forced to, there is no choice. This happened to me recently, and the change came in like a sudden storm and crashed into me. Just like that everything was in a little million pieces and then instantly built up into something completely different than it was before. A little baby named Benny just a few weeks ago was in my sister in laws stomache.

I didn’t know what you looked like. And I was worried about all the change that would take place. I’ve been here before, life brings those things ­— you move from the house you grew up in, your heart breaks a bunch of times, your grandparents wrinkles grow deeper than you ever could of imagined.  Your older brother marries and you are now one of three of his favorite women. You are scared but then you realize how beautiful life can be with a sister. And then you think of him being a father. And the memories come rushing in.

Carpets full of toys in our old blue house. How he hung his sweater off of his shoulder and wrestled your other brother. How I was scared of you meeting my boyfriend and how I thought you could literally protect me against anything in the world.

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And then Benny comes. All glistening red haired, and perfect skin with no scars. And then you are all of that all over again except better, brother. And you are a husband that whispered into Jess’s ear how beautiful she was even though she was tired and drunk off of pain killers. And all of the sudden you are bigger and stronger then ever.

I loved you the minute I saw you Benny. It was the best change that ever happened to me.

I realize, what matters most is how you walk through the change. Let it enfold you. — Emily Marucci

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