WHEN GIRLS TAKE THINGS TOO FAR, WE END UP WITH PRANKS AND PLAYLISTS.

As a girl, I often find myself with the weirdest of weird-o-freaks when it comes to dating. Most of the time it’s laughable, but now and again — between the drummers who will bang anything, the bartenders who mix girlfriends and the Jesus look-a-likes who spend more time on their beards than making decent conversation — I take a step back and think… Wait. How does this keep happening? Maybe I’m the crazy one? Luckily when I start questioning my sanity, I have a great friend listed in my iPhone’s Favorites. No, I don’t panic and phone him because he motivates me to think of butterflies, sunsets and Nora Ephron films, but because he always has hard evidence of what “crazy girls” are actually like. It’s really a bit sad how much this dude has experienced, from secretly married ladies, to ones that pretend to be pregnant to others who are ready to switch their relationship status as soon as a guy utters the words, “How was your day?” I could listen to these face-scrunching tales on repeat. They always make me giddy and give me reason to confidently be like, “YESSSS! I’M SO NORMAL! THIS IS AWESOME!”

Anyways, he recently had a really good one for me. He’d been casually dating this dainty, china doll-esque girl. Unfortunately, her ability to be polite tended to get lost in monotony and my friend just wasn’t into that. (I agree with him on this. It’s OK to be nice but come on, owning at least one black, smudge eye pencil and dabbling in a sassy attitude once in a while never hurt anyone.) After he respectfully broke things off, this totally calm, essentially boring chick did something… Not so boring. Homegirl quickly started sending him handwritten — through the mail, now we’re talking postal service with stamps and stuff — love letters. Or as I like to call them, disturbing devotional declarations. Each time he receives a new envelope of ink-filled stationary (there have been a few now), he hastily recites every word to me. Naturally I’m excited by the shock and confusion of every single one… They’re hysterical and stalkerish at the same time. I didn’t think that was possible.

(Side Note: he wont let me post the actual letters. Believe me, I tried.)

As the bizarreness continues to pile up like fan mail that even a semi-celeb such as Whitney Port would be nervous of, I’ve decided I absolutely cannot sit around and do nothing. So I’m making him a playlist of creepy songs, then I’m going to send it to him — mix-tape style — pretending it’s from her. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to clarify it’s a joke before he calls upon reinforcements. I just want that initial reaction. Muahaha. Hopefully she hasn’t beat me to the punch.

Below, I’ve dug up a few song choices featuring female vocals, with the exception of Blondie’s “One Way Or Another.” Obviously, that one’s implied. I’m sure there are a ton more so suggestions are welcome! Also if you have any stalker friends, they’d probably be really psyched if you sent this playlist to them. Better yet… When used correctly, these songs can be, like, “tool tunes.” A way to convince yourself — and/or your friends — out of dumb behavior (such as mentioned above) when things get a little cray.

Rachel

 

TOVE LO | “LOVE BALLAD”

“Chop off my hands
Chop off my feet
I’d do it for you
Ain’t love sweet?”

THE DONNAS | “I DON’T WANT TO KNOW (IF YOU DON’T WANT ME)”

“I know where you live, yea
And I wanna live there too
I drive buy almost everyday, its not even really on my way
When am I gonna get to see you?”

LISA DALBELLO | “GONNA GET CLOSE TO YOU”

“Outside your balcony, I have a room with a view
And I’m watching you
I dial your telephone each and every afternoon
I wait by your door ’til you’re asleep at night
And when you’re alone I’m there when you turn out the light.”

SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES | “OBSESSION”

“I broke into your room — I broke down in my room
Touched your belongings there — and left a lock of my hair
Another sign for you”

PORTISHEAD | “ALL MINE”

“Make no mistake
You shan’t escape
Tethered and tied
There’s nowhere to hide from me”

LISA STANSFIELD | “AROUND THE WORLD”

“I don’t know where my baby is
But I’ll find him, somewhere, somehow
I’ve got to let him know how much I care
I’ll never give up looking for my baby.”

SONIA | “YOU’LL NEVER STOP ME LOVING YOU”

“Even when you’re home
You won’t pick up your phone
And take my call
When I see you on the street
You stare down at your feet
You won’t talk at all

When I know that you’re alone
I wander to your home
And catch a glimpse or two”

ALANIS MORISSETTE | “YOUR HOUSE”

“I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD’s
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn’t stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn’t stay long”

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