If you’re not making out, you’re missing out. Long live the snog.

Audrey Hepburn making out

 More of this, people. More of this.

My brother Matt recently said something interesting. It was semi inappropriate, but he’s lacked a filter since my 1988 Grygiel Family touchdown, and that’s precisely what makes him such entertaining company. My brother believes that making out in mature relationships is unnecessary. Don’t ask how we got on the topic, because I definitely couldn’t tell you and I don’t want to relive it.

Matt argues that after a certain point the “make out” becomes a means to an end—a formality that certainly serves an important purpose, but not in and of itself. This declaration was made directly in front of his significant other (she rolled her eyes), as well as my significant other (he laughed), therefore I feel a strong sense of urgency to make the following call: BULLSHIT.

I think not making out for the sake of making out is sad and absurd. What better way to keep the spark alive? I love you, you love me, OK cool let’s never hold hands again. I object, wholeheartedly disagree. So I Googled it anyway. But what search terms to use?

I regretted my first inquiry:


Then I thought about a much more “mature” relationship—a post marriage, post babies, post grandbabies stage of companionship. I think too many of us are programmed to avoid thinking about such things, especially when projecting so far into the future. Are the elderly still making out? I kind of don’t want know, at least not until I’m a tattooed 75-year-old in skinny jeans and a hipster beanie. But then again, I do want to know. So I Googled that anyway, too.

This time around, Google’s search algorithm was decidedly more fruitful:


My Google research diverted from there to the state of Singapore’s elderly, naturally. But only for a moment. “Do the elderly couples still kiss and hug” is a line from “Did You See the Words” by Animal Collective. I think it’s a good question.

Animal Collective, here’s your answer. Whole bunch of things wrong with that video, but maybe one thing is so wrong, it’s right. You go, Grandma. Matt, I hope you see this and then never unsee it.

Now everyone go home and celebrate the progress you’ve made since that middle school “co-ed party,” relive your first steamy necking session and swap some spit with your lover. On second thought, don’t even go home. LONG LIVE PDA. VIVE LA (kiss named after people from) FRANCE.

 More relationship advice you never asked for: my stance on sexting.

And last but definitely not least, watch strangers making out.