WHAT WE REALLY LEARNED FROM HITS OF THE ’90S.

90s-pop-music-collage-images-advice-hits-shk-rachel-eleanor-sutton-humor-funny-2(Image via Varsity Online)

Those of us who grew up in the Nineties know a thing or two about pop music… Not to mention, crimped hair, Coogi knitwear and blow-up chairs. And while today we have digital music at the helm of our iPhones, our young angst was lived amongst bulky stereos playing various hard-to-open CDs, which were probably purchased based on TRL suggestions (shout out: Carson Daly). We were a mainstream generation, divided by tastes. NSYNC or BSB? Christina or Britney? Dawson. Felicity. Buffy. Oh my. We walked through our daily growing pains atop platform shoes wearing smiley-face belly shirts with flannel tied around our wastes. But when, like, our teenage years were totally buggin’, our generation had some pretty humorous pop tunes to coincidence with all of the rebellious behaviors, mistaken identities and first heartbreaks.

Now with the ability to look back at some’90s pop hits, we’re hoping — no matter how many radio waves subconsciously pervaded our brains — that some of these once-belted lyrics didn’t sink all the way in. Based on this selection of random influences, it’s clear the millennials got some sketchy life lessons (as if we needed more reasons to justify our present day idiocracy, right?). P.S. The thoughts and feelings listed below are about as serious as the songs they reflect. — Rachel Eleanor Sutton

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SONG: ALANIS MORISSETTE “IRONIC”

LYRIC: “It’s like rain on your wedding day / It’s a free ride, when you’ve already paid / It’s the good advice that you just can’t take…”

Leaves you thinking… What exactly is the definition of ironic?

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SONG: BRITNEY SPEARS “BABY ONE MORE TIME”

LYRIC: “My loneliness is killin’ me / I must confess I still believe /

When I’m not with you I lose my mind / Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time.”

Leaves you thinking… When you’re desperate for getting your boyfriend back, say things like “hit me.”

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SONG: CHRISTINA AGUILERA “GENIE IN A BOTTLE”

LYRIC: “Ooh, my body’s sayin’ let’s go / Ooh, but my heart is sayin’ no (but my heart is sayin’ no) / If you wanna be with me / Baby there’s a price to pay / I’m a genie in a bottle (I’m a genie in a bottle) / You gotta rub me the right way.”

Leaves you thinking… Giving it up IS confusing. You want to, but you don’t want to… So just put a price on it. Then it’s fine.

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SONG: SPICE GIRLS “WANNABE”

LYRIC: “If you wanna be my lover / You gotta get with my friends”

Leaves you thinking… Forget any lesson learned from Shakespeare, My Best Friend’s Wedding, or any other love triangle tale of horror, your boyfriend spending tons of time with your best friend is definitely a good idea. (image via itsfashionating)

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SONG: MEREDITH BROOKS “BITCH”

LYRIC: “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover / I’m a child, I’m a mother / I’m a sinner, I’m a saint / I do not feel ashamed / I’m your hell, I’m your dream / I’m nothing in between / You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Leaves you thinking… Ughm, it’s fine to be all over the place and make no sense at all. People should just deal with it. Girls are bitches! Woot! Celebrate.

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LFO | “Summer Girls”

 

Lyrics:

New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits / Chinese food makes me sick / And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer / I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch / I’d take her if I had one wish

Lesson:

It’s OK to crash at a guy’s house for an entire summer, as long as you wear Abercrombie & Fitch.

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SONG: JANET JACKSON “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY”

LYRIC: “Used to go to dinner almost every night / Dancin’ ’til I thought I’d lose my breath / Ahh / Now it seems your dancing feet are always on my couch / Good thing I cook or else we’d starve to death / Ain’t that a shame?”

Leaves you thinking… A good relationship means eating and going out every single night, so — to avoid things going death — forgo cooking and never buy a comfortable couch.

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SONG: MARIAH CAREY “ALWAYS BE MY BABY”

LYRIC: “You’ll always be a part of me / I’m part of you indefinitely / Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me / Ooh darling ’cause you’ll always be my baby / And we’ll linger on.”

Leaves you thinking… Even when the guy wants to leave, don’t let him escape. Ever.

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JESSICA SIMPSON | “I Wanna Love You Forever”

Lyrics:

I’ve got so much more to give / This can’t die, I yearn to live / Pour yourself all over me

And I’ll cherish every drop here on my knees

Lesson: When you’re desperate… Ughmm…get down on your knees, ladies!

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THE CARDIGANS | “LOVEFOOL”

Lyrics:

Love me love me
Say that you love me
Fool me fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me love me
Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me
Just say that you need me

Lesson: It doesn’t matter if he really loves you or not, as long as he tells you he does.

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SONG: MADONNA “BEAUTIFUL STRANGER”

LYRIC: “If I’m smart then I’ll run away / But I’m not so I guess I’ll stay / Heaven forbid / I’ll take my chance on a beautiful stranger.”

Leaves you thinking… It’s dumb to go off with strangers, but do it anyways.

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