Allow me to watch you watching Game of Thrones. I’ll bring wine.

Just because you don’t know the difference between a Red and Purple Wedding doesn’t mean you can’t invite yourself to that weekly Game of Thrones gathering. Fake it till you make it, eh?

Daenerys Game Of Thrones

And this is what’ll be like when the video refuses to load. I’m the one in blue, you’ve got the scales. 

If you live in fear of accidentally stumbling upon Game of Thrones spoilers, you’ve come to the right place. Because I truly don’t know much about the show—or the books for that matter. I can’t reveal plot twists or key characters’ names, but I can tell you what it’s like to be on the Game of Thrones sidelines. But first let me explain how I got here.

My first Game of Thrones viewing loss of innocence occurred around the time season 1 aired. Like most 20-somethings, I advantage from a borrowed HBO Go account…my mother’s. In my defense, I don’t think she even knew she was paying for one until I phoned in my login/password request. In her defense, she thinks her flip-phone is an iPhone. Not sure which sibling finagled the HBO access but I’m in debt to you (and definitely Mom, too).

“OKAY,” said Mom, “I’ll find my password journal*. But don’t be watching the show with all the SEX.”

I did, or part of it, but not the one she was referring to, i.e. the reason we’ve all seen Lena Dunham’s birthday suit more times than our own…unless you’re a narcissist who enjoys the view in the bathroom mirror. Don’t sweat it, to each his own. Or her own. Whatever.

Bless your pious heart, modest mother of mine, and if you’re reading this, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EVER TURN ON AN EPISODE OF GAME OF THRONES. 15 minutes deep and I had to abandon my popcorn, leave the room and catch my breath. You know things are serious when I lose my appetite. There were scenes in Breaking Bad that had me hesitating before making snack-to-mouth contact (too busy covering my eyes screaming, “IS THERE BLOOD? IS IT BLOODY?”), but never had I been so immediately and intensely nauseated by fake blood and gore before my introduction to Game of Thrones. You’re watching murder and incest. On purpose. This stuff is Varsity viewership and I’m second-string benching it. I’m a J.V. GAME OF THRONES LOSER.

*Password journal: a tiny notebook moms like to hide in highly secure “junk drawers,” most often labeled literally (e.g. Password Journal).

(Maybe you’ll dislike me less on the next page…)

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