Sure they can be sweet, attractive, completely understanding and often charming, but lets get one thing straight. When you order a drink THE BARTENDER IS JUDGING YOU.

moe from the simpsons

So you best consider what your drink says about you if you want to feel mildly respected or at home in your neighborhood haunt. Let’s be honest folks, it’s in your best interest to win them over. Not only will they remember you as a beautiful island in an ocean of douche-baggery, they will be more likely to serve you faster, pour more generously and invite you to coolest of local parties afterwards.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed herein are in alignment with any/all and every bartender with the slightest sense of tradition, knowledge and understanding of what its like to work nine hours straight in stressful conditions making beverages for ungrateful, intoxicated idiots.


WHATS INSIDE: Vodka, Soda, lime/lemon

vodka soda at bar

“Is it vodka soda lime, or vodka lime and soda?”

Contrary to widespread macho intolerance, this is a great drink for all sexes to enjoy for the long night ahead. It’s triple distilled and almost sugar free (thanks soda water) meaning that you can knock them back continually whilst avoiding sugar spikes in your mood. Triple distilled means less impurities so you have a greater chance of waking up up hangover free. Bartenders will love you because they can bang them out super quickly and depending on how much they like you, they will be very liberal with the vodka. Just be careful, this drink “goes down easy” and if you don’t keep track of how many you’ve had… So will you!

PRO TIP: Space your drinks with a glass of water now and then. Chuck a lime on the side and no one will be able to tell the difference.

(click next page to continue…)